[update]: I swear, you cannot make this shit up.
Via Ace of Spades, and yes, it’s real. Homey killed a cop, in case you’re wondering. (Allegedly, I suppose I must add, allegedly). Do you think that’s why The Media gave him the full halo-and-wings treatment, or is it just one of those ironic coinky-dinks?
Remember, my friends, there was a time when we thought this
was grossly obvious agitprop. I never thought I’d miss the day when “a D+ art project from the Special Needs class of the Young Pioneers” would be a masterpiece of subtlety, but… here we are.
Because it’s Friday, I ain’t got no job, and I ain’t got shit else to do, here are some miscellaneous items from the email and the Intertubes.
Skedastic Racket asks,
What do you think about our wonderful ruling class starting a war with China? Any ideas about timeline, or what they will try to pass off into the media in order to make it come about?
Not to get all Hegel on y’all going into a long weekend, but the Current Year has proven that Reality is, indeed, dialectically constructed. It has to be. How else is it that a) our “President” can be bought and paid for by the ChiComs, but b) our rulers are trying desperately to start a war with them?
About the specifics, I have no idea. I can’t even begin to guess. The Current Year is so bizarre, the casus belli will probably end up being something like “Xi refuses to allow drag queen story hour in Beijing,” which apparently is a nuclear strike-level offense now. I do, sadly, think some kind of conflict is almost inevitable. I’m not an armchair admiral, so I’m not going to trot out some big geostrategic thing here. All I know is, China sees herself — and desperately, obsessively wants to be seen by the rest of the world — as the rightful hegemon of at least Asia, if not the globe. Taking her rightful place must necessarily entail knocking off the old hegemon. It’s not like Britain handing the torch to the USA following the world wars; this is a clash of cultures for real.
Here again, we see the horrifying idea that nobody’s in charge. Totally Legit Joe would never dream of going against his paymasters, but they don’t let Totally Legit Joe decide anything more than what flavor of pudding cup to have at snack time. The Media are all in Xi’s pocket, too, so they could all start demanding preemptive surrender. The Pentagon, though… there’s the wild card. It’s obvious they have no interest in fighting a real enemy, but without “fighting real enemies”-level money, they can’t afford to pay for the troops’ gender reassignment surgeries, so… who knows?
Via Pickle Rick, a tragedy in Pittsburgh:
Vigil Held At Penn Hills High School To Remember 4 Students Who Died Recently
That’s really the headline, y’all. Not, you know, poorly translated from Estonian or something. I’d advise not driving or operating any heavy machinery for a while after reading this, because… well, you’ll see.
PENN HILLS, Pa. (KDKA) — Penn Hills High School held a memorial service following a recent string of sudden deaths among students.
Over the past month, four 17-year-old students have died. Three of them were victims of gun violence.
The link, which I’ve preserved from the original, links to another story from the same website, this one headlined
Penn Hills High School Remembers Students Who Died Too Young
Digging many, many paragraphs down in that story, we find
The deaths have been happening since April, including two back-to-back. According to the district, one was a drug overdose and the other three were the results of gun violence.
Everybody got that? The results of gun violence. The deaths have been happening. Grammatically, that last construction is known as “present perfect continuous tense” (yeah, I had to look it up too), but I think we can just go ahead and mark all this down as “Jogger tense,” the kind of elaborate verbal jiujitsu you see when the writer really, really, really doesn’t want to admit the obvious. Which is this:
No pic of the fourth kid, so he must’ve been waving a Glock around in all his selfies.
But wait…. there’s more!! Two paragraphs down in both stories we find:
Now, I admit I don’t know how embedded ads work, so I acknowledge that a) this might be random, and b) it could change by the time you click on the links, but swearsie-realsies, as of the time I’m writing this, that’s the link that appears virtually at the top of two stories about four dead kids. That’s so perfectly tasteless, it might as well be tofu.
Gina Bigenho, Lott’s mother, told KDKA, “He was just a great kid. We miss him more than anything. Don’t think that you can try drugs. It was his first time and it killed him.”
You know, one of these days, I’m going to hear about a black kid’s mom who actually shares her kid’s last name. Whether that day will come before or after my first Sasquatch sighting is an open question, I ought to set up a betting pool, but in the meantime, I’ll take “things that didn’t happen” for $500, Alex, in re: the suggestion that this was the kid’s very first experience with drugs. Dreadfully uncharitable of me, I know, but, well… there it is.
But wait, it gets much better:
Ernest Ruffin of American Legion Post 17 said, “Get rid of that jealously, that envy, that hate, all those things that bound us from freedom. Martin Luther King and them did not fight for the struggle.”
Leave aside the fact that this is utterly incoherent (“bound us from freedom”? “did not fight for the struggle”? I’ve seen clearer statements on freshman papers obviously written dead drunk at 3am). Where the hell did “that jealousy, that envy, that hate” come from? I thought these deaths were just, you know, happening — that weird grammatical construction from a few paragraphs ago, carefully designed to admit no agency whatsoever. You just contorted yourself like a yoga master to imply that the Grim Reaper just pulled a few names out of a hat. Now you’re telling me there’s hate involved?
Oh, wait — now I get it. This is Andy Kaufman-style comedy, a performance art piece. Here’s the punchline:
Penn Hills Police Chief Howard Burton told KDKA that one major issue surrounding all of these teen shootings is that people are reluctant to come forward with information for fear of snitching. Anyone with information is asked to call the police.
Those three little angels were shot in a gang beef. I’d bet the entire dollar value of the next “COVID relief” package that, not only was the entire student body not in mourning (“filled with heartache,” as the story says), but nobody but the truant officer had any idea these four were even on the roster.
And, of course, it wouldn’t be AINO without the input of the headshrinkers. From the earlier article:
A crisis response team has been providing counseling from an RV outside the school.
“The message has to be out there to the kids that we’re hurting. It’s OK. We’re going to help you get through this,” Hines told KDKA.
“Hold those memories close because those are the things that are going to bring a smile to your face. If you are upset or sad, reach out to somebody. We’re all here to help,” said Kostic.
The trauma response team will return to the school on Thursday. The district reminds students who are learning from home that services are available for them, too.
From an RV outside the school. Because of the Dread Coof, no doubt, but let that pass. What, exactly, are we supposed to be “getting through”? Did somebody drop some acid in my morning coffee, like they used to do at Langley in the MK-Ultra days? Not even Jogger Tense can disguise the fact that these kids evidently went to great lengths to get themselves killed… and that’s some kind of trauma, that “students who are learning from home” need to have a Zoom meeting with the “care team”?
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Current Year! Ain’t it a hoot? Makes you wish all that UFO stuff really was real, don’t it? Please come soon, saucer people — you’ll be welcomed as liberators.Loading Likes...