Here at Rotten Chestnuts, our goal is to educate as well as entertain. Now, Our Betters, the liberals, are confused on many, many (many many many many many) points. But in the wake of the Hobby Lobby thing — which, we must note, is causing them conniptions on a lot of fronts — they seem most confused about the notion of “corporate personhood.” Heck, even progressive darling and 2016 presidential candidate Elizabeth “Dances with Socialism” Warren has gotten in on the act: Point eleven of her little manifesto (that’s a safe link to Vox Day) declares that
[We] believe that corporations are not people, that women have a right to their bodies.
See what I mean? Leaving aside for a moment the fact that Warren was an academic specializing in corporate law — where, one assumes, the legal definition of “personhood” is a top-of-the-syllabus affair at freshman orientation — the rest of the left seems to have a problem with this, too. So I thought I’d explain it to them. And, special little snowflakes that they are, what better way to get the point across than by appealing to their narcissism? So, without further ado, here’s three ways corporate personhood benefits progressives.
1) It enables nonprofits. I hate to break it to you, Moonbeam, but when you sign on for that internship with Save the Termites, you’re actually working for The Man. From every leftist’s favorite objective information source, Wikipedia:
In the United States, nonprofit organizations are formed by filing bylaws and/or articles of incorporation in the state in which they expect to operate. The act of incorporating creates a legal entity enabling the organization to be treated as a corporation by law and to enter into business dealings, form contracts, and own property as any other individual or for-profit corporation may do.
But don’t worry! The two key things here are “form contracts” and “own property.”
2) Let’s take the second one first. The termites you’ve saved need somewhere to go, right? So the
corpor organization buys a nice farm in the country for them. Now, if it were just you and a couple of buddies who bought this nice farm, and some kid who’s allergic to termites wanders in and gets bitten, you and your friends would be the ones footing the kid’s medical bills until the end of time. Because, you know, it’s your land, as you’ll discover when you get hit with the lawsuit. And when you have to pay your taxes. What, you think the government doesn’t want a bite of your assets in perpetuity? Welcome to the world beyond the EZ form, kiddo.
3) And speaking of medical bills, let’s look at the first part: “form contracts.” We’ll go ahead and assume that Save the Termites isn’t your typical soulless corporation, dumping all its employees onto the Obamacare exchanges to save a buck. We’ll also assume that you are the typical hypocritical liberal, who’s shocked at the exorbitant prices and shitty care available on the public tit, and so instead of doing the noble proletarian thing you’ll take the evil evil corporate insurance bennies Save the Termites offers.
Well guess what? If it wasn’t Save the Termites LLC, you couldn’t get that insurance. The evil evil insurance company would have to contract with each of you individually — since, you know, it’s just you and a couple hundred buddies, saving termites. And you know what, Moonbeam? You’re a shitty risk, actuarially speaking. Do you know how many exotic diseases termites carry? On your own, you’re uninsurable, and like most Americans you can’t afford even the most basic Obamacare-mandated coverage. But since Evil Insurance Corp can contract with Save the Termites as a corporation, it can spread out the risk pool. And now you get your “free” aromatherapy to deal with the trauma of knowing you work for a — gag! — company.
And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, Moonbeam! Once you start to understand how this “corporation” thing works, you notice it everywhere. For instance, you socialists love the notion of group rights. In the old, bad, racist sexist imperialistic homophobic America, it was one person, one vote, and “rights” worked the same way. But — obviously — that’s just not socially just. I mean, look at Native American female senator Elizabeth Warren:
Back in the bad old days, she couldn’t hardly walk down the street without somebody calling her all kinds of awful racist, sexist names. Surely she never could’ve gotten into Harvard on her merits. So, for social justice purposes, we* decided that Indian-ness and female-ness trumped things like grades and accomplishments and all that other stuff from the bad old days. We* decided, in other words, that chicks and Indians — as a class — got special breaks that whites and dudes — again, as a class — didn’t. And what’s another word for a class of people? That’s right: A corporation. Look it up. It’s right there under number three:
any group of persons united or regarded as united in one body.
Isn’t that great? And now she’s a senator. And maybe president, come 2016. And she owes it all to…. corporate personhood!!!
*By “we” I guess we* mean “straight white guys.” I’m not really sure how that works, because according to you all, straight white guys used to have all the power, and in fact still do. But somehow they gave up enough of it in this instance so that an Indian chick could beat out the straightest, whitest guy imaginable in a senate race. The racist, homophobic Patriarchy really is quite stupid about things like that. Have you noticed? But that’s a discussion for another day, I suppose.