Over at House of Eratosthenes, we’re having a discussion about the nature and history of Our Betters, the Liberals. While I think Morgan and I have reached broad agreement, there are a few things that still need clarification. And since I’ve always wanted to write one of those Gawker-style clickbait lists, I hereby present
The Top Three Signs You Might be a Secret Leftist:
- You think the world is perfectible.
At some point in that discussion thread, we got to talking about Mighty Pharaoh. Was he a leftist? Certainly a guy like Ramses exercized total power, but was he a totalitarian? I say no, because the totalitarian credo — “all within the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state” — claims that “the State” can be completely self-sufficient.
That’s not true, and even Ramses, who was raised to believe he was literally a god, knew it. His main job as Pharaoh was to perform the rituals that kept the Nile flooding regularly. It didn’t always work, and when the Nile failed to flood, Ramses didn’t send out the propaganda corps to proclaim that the Nile did flood, damn it. Nor did he send out the secret police to arrest anyone who contradicted the propaganda. God or not, he accepted some basic limitations on his power.
Leftists don’t do that. They think there’s nothing their dogma can’t fix. Take Mary Shelley’s novel Frankenstein. Widely regarded as an allegory of the French Revolution, Frankenstein captures the boundless hubris of the Enlightenment — our understanding of Nature is so vast that soon we shall conquer death itself. Rousseau, Robespierre, and especially their ape, Karl Marx — born just 3 years after Waterloo — promised utopia through political action.
Our modern Leftists are even more extravagant. Marx only promised paradise to humans. Just seven years ago, Leftists told us that the Earth itself would heal if only we voted for a half-term junior senator from flyover country. And as for natures’s remaining imperfections, well, they can simply be legislated out of existence. George W. Bush isn’t widely regarded as a Leftist, but he overturned one of the fundamental truths of mathematics by decreeing that, with No Child Left Behind, all students shall now be above average. In much the same way, Our Betters have abolished biology — women have dicks now, and only skin color is heritable…. sorta.
2. You never trust your own lying eyes.
Because if you do, you risk breaking one of the newly minted laws of nature. Imagine you’re a woman in the restroom with the “Ladies” sign on it. In walks a 6’2″, well-built former Olympic track star, who whips out his cock in front of the nearest toilet. Are you going to shriek, then call the cops? You’d better not, if you’re a Leftist! Gender is just a social construction, my friend, and dicks and/or balls can be constructed female, too.
So, too, with math. If George W. Bush could mandate that all children are better than average, it’s child’s play for Barack Obama to add a gazillion-dollar socialized medicine program that will lower taxes and reduce costs.
And above all, you must never, ever follow up on anything, ever. If you looked at the initiatives of LBJ’s “Great Society,” for example — the War on Poverty and whatnot — it’d sure look like they not only didn’t solve the problems they were supposed to, but they actually made them much, much, much worse. If you actually interacted with some immigrants, it would appear that Magic Dirt Theory is false, and that a change of latitude doesn’t automatically transform a 70-IQ socialism-worshiping Mestizo subsistence farmer into a Jeffersonian yeoman computer programmer. You’d notice that, contrary to all your end of the world models, the globe hasn’t warmed at all, the polar ice caps are thicker, and polar bears are thriving. Not that those things are true, of course — only the words of humanities professors and Democrat politicians are true — but they sure look true, and that causes feelbad. Never, ever trust your lying eyes.
3. You claim unlimited dictatorial powers for yourself, because you’re the victim of everything.
This last is the hardest for normals to grasp, and getting it is the surest sign you’re a secret Leftist. Leftists believe that oppression confers moral authority, and moral authority, political authority. By the transitive property of equality, then, the guy who suffers most at the hands of others wields the most political power. This is why that Melissa Click idiot at at the University of Missouri can whine about how oppressed she is even as she’s demanding — and receiving! — the services of “muscle” to remove onerous persons from her royal presence. It’s why feminists who — according to their own theory — should be barefoot, pregnant, and silent in a kitchen somewhere have arrogated to themselves the unlimited right to tell you what to say, hear, do, and think. It’s why the lily-white Rachel Dolezals of the world are so anxious to pass themselves off as black, even as they scream about how oppressively, unrelentingly awful it is to be black in AmeriKKKa. It’s why Hillary Clinton is still the odds-on favorite to ride her doddering nincompoop act into the White House in 2016. Not a day goes by without some awful meanie saying something hurtful about her; that means she deserves the nuclear launch codes.
If any of these three apply to you, please seek help immediately.