Remind me how we keep losing to these people?
I wasn’t going to go see Rogue One: An SJWars Story anyway, but now I’m really not going to go see it. For all you butt-hurt liberals comparing yourselves to the Rebel Alliance, here’s a clue:
The Rebel Alliance sucks.
Seriously. They’re a bunch of incompetent pussies who only succeed because their opponents are, unfathomably, even dumber and less competent (so if you want to argue that the GOP are Imperial Storm Troopers, ok, I’ll give you that). They’re led by a princess who is somehow also a senator — typical chick, can’t make up her mind — whose only talent is getting her dumb ass captured.
Their other leader, meanwhile — pro tip, guys, there’s a chain of command for a reason — is a whiny douchebag who, as revealed in the prequels, was such a loser little kid that he had to build himself a gay robot friend….. that he proceeded to hang out with for the entire run time of five other movies. Oh, and who’s only a Jedi because his mom caught some kind of intergalactic STD. Glad he didn’t take any penicillin before running away from his comrades in their darkest hour to go do swamp gymnastics with a fucking muppet.
And what’s up with giving your soldiers helmets that look like half a scrotum turned sideways? No wonder they suck at fighting.
The truth, of course, is that every red-blooded little boy, and most red-blooded little girls, in America wanted to be Darth Vader. I know, I know, I’m old, but I played a lot of “Star Wars” as a kid, and the toughest task was getting anyone to play Luke. And no, nobody really wanted to be Han Solo, either – that’s a teenager fantasy. It was pretty much Darth Vader or Chewbacca, and I’m not saying our parents routinely had to come out and make us quit fighting and take turns being Vader and Chewie, but I’m not not saying it either.
Last point: Didja ever wonder why Rebels keep getting seduced to the Dark Side? Meaningful choice of words there, wouldn’t you say? Go dark, and you not only get 1,000 times cooler, you get laid. Let’s review. Here’s Princess Leia, space commanderette of the Intergalactic Model UN Club:
Meanwhile, here’s Leia under the influence of a bad, bad guy:
Search your feelings. You know it to be true.