Jeez They’re Dumb

Remind me how we keep losing to these people?

I wasn’t going to go see Rogue One: An SJWars Story anyway, but now I’m really not going to go see it.  For all you butt-hurt liberals comparing yourselves to the Rebel Alliance, here’s a clue:

The Rebel Alliance sucks.

Seriously.  They’re a bunch of incompetent pussies who only succeed because their opponents are, unfathomably, even dumber and less competent (so if you want to argue that the GOP are Imperial Storm Troopers, ok, I’ll give you that).  They’re led by a princess who is somehow also a senator — typical chick, can’t make up her mind — whose only talent is getting her dumb ass captured.

that's not a complaint, mind you, just an observation

that’s not a complaint, mind you, just an observation

Their other leader, meanwhile — pro tip, guys, there’s a chain of command for a reason — is a whiny douchebag who, as revealed in the prequels, was such a loser little kid that he had to build himself a gay robot friend….. that he proceeded to hang out with for the entire run time of five other movies.  Oh, and who’s only a Jedi because his mom caught some kind of intergalactic STD.  Glad he didn’t take any penicillin before running away from his comrades in their darkest hour to go do swamp gymnastics with a fucking muppet.

And what’s up with giving your soldiers helmets that look like half a scrotum turned sideways?  No wonder they suck at fighting.

indexThe truth, of course, is that every red-blooded little boy, and most red-blooded little girls, in America wanted to be Darth Vader.  I know, I know, I’m old, but I played a lot of “Star Wars” as a kid, and the toughest task was getting anyone to play Luke.  And no, nobody really wanted to be Han Solo, either – that’s a teenager fantasy.  It was pretty much Darth Vader or Chewbacca, and I’m not saying our parents routinely had to come out and make us quit fighting and take turns being Vader and Chewie, but I’m not not saying it either.

Last point: Didja ever wonder why Rebels keep getting seduced to the Dark Side?  Meaningful choice of words there, wouldn’t you say?  Go dark, and you not only get 1,000 times cooler, you get laid.  Let’s review.  Here’s Princess Leia, space commanderette of the Intergalactic Model UN Club:

star_wars_trailer3Is that what they mean by “lean in?”

Meanwhile, here’s Leia under the influence of a bad, bad guy:

princess-leia-800-2Shall we go on?  Good Luke:

mark-hamill-luke-skywalker-star-wars-plot-holesversus bad, bad Daddy:

star-wars-darth-vader-sixth-scale-feature-1000763Umm, yeah.  I’m with him.

Search your feelings.  You know it to be true.

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4 thoughts on “Jeez They’re Dumb

  1. nightfly

    Han had the swagger. He shot first. He made the Kessel Run in an unscientific measure of distance that just sounded like space-hours. He was such a badass that the Wookiee was HIS sidekick. Without Han’s last-minute assist, Vader would have roasted Luke in that trench. Sure, nice magic powers and pretty cool sword and all, but Luke is the forerunner to all the clueless, in-over-their-heads YA protagonists who are constantly being bailed out by smarter, stronger, braver compatriots. (Let’s face it, the only reason we think of Harry Potter as the hero is because we’re told so. Snape was right all along.)

    Knowing that JJ Abrams just mashed *reset* on the whole trilogy turned me off the franchise. Basically, it’s like nothing happened: Luke went back to being a weenie, Han split, they got a younger Leia in Rey (and how’s THAT for “forward thinking,” Hollywood, dumping Carrie Fisher for today’s model – how 1940s of you), hell they even gave us another dammed Death Star – a plot twist so original Abrams already used it when he rebooted/ruined Star Trek.

    I get that Disney wants to make back its $4 billion, I don’t blame them, but give us something different. Maybe there would be challenges in rebuilding the Jedi order and the Republic… challenges that have to be met by the newer generation, as the older passes the torch… maybe show them in action handling those problems in the group that forged lifetime bonds during the original war? Or was that too much to ask of Mr. Rebooty McFanfic?

    Hmph. I gotta go kick a throw pillow.

    1. Severian

      Nobody’s saying Han Solo isn’t cool. But the stuff that makes him cool guarantees he pulls 12 parsecs of poon, which is not what you want when you’re 8. When you’re 8, all you want is to be able to force-choke a bitch, and to not have to take a bath when your mom points out your Wookiee-level personal hygiene.

      The Force Awakens works pretty good as a comedy, though. When Dark Helmet is whiny, needy, stupid, and incompetent, well, that’s Mel Brooks’s genius. But I believe they really thought this new gay-ass emo Vader* would be seen as a badass, instead of Andy Samberg in a gimp suit.

      *I know the character has a name, but there’s no point in trying to remember it, as they’re all just Diversity Pokemon knockoffs of the original. There’s Girl Luke, Black Male Leia, Gay-Ass Emo Vader, Wannabe-Han, and R2D2. Poor R2, having to go through all this shit again.

  2. P_Ang

    So, I have a different reason why I’m not watching R1. None of it’s really “provable” anymore, with Disney’s propensity for deleting anything that could potentially damage the Death Sta…er corporate juggernaut, but it all started from an article I read when they bought the franchise.

    SW fanbois, myself included, begged that they start the series with Admiral Thrawn of the game and book franchises. Disney said no. Thrawn was blue, and being blue that meant he was a minority, and by-Mouse they weren’t going to have minorities killing minorities! When there was outrage, they changed the story to the current “wanting to start over.”

    So now comes R1. Lucas has already said he intended the Empire to be evil Repubs, while the Rebels were the valiant Dems. We see the commercials with all the minorities (and criminal aliens), fighting those evil guys who are either white at the top, or who are wearing all white. Huh. But, there’s one guy in the mix, wearing all black, voiced by a black actor. He’s the most evil EVIL guy in the Universe, because he dared to…switch sides. Ugh. So, I want to see it because it’s Star Wars, but I’m just tired of supporting Hollywood’s anti-Republican BS.

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