LQI: A Dictionary and Usage Guide

Victor Klemperer, a Jew whose Aryan wife kept him out of the camps, compiled a fascinating book on the Nazis’ abuse of language, which he called the LTI – Lingua Tertio Imperii, the language of the Third Reich. Since we’ll all soon be forced to have social media accounts, the better to sing the praises of our kinder, gentler overlords, it behooves us to do a minor league version of that. After all, we all know how to throw “intersectional” and “genderfluid” around, but the subtle nuances, the quadruple-axel stuff that would impress even the French judge, is what might keep you out of the gulag. Hence, I give you the LQI, the Lingua Quarto Imperii. I welcome your additions in the comments:

“Scary.” I’m pulling a lot of this stuff from David Thompson, whose excellent blog y’all should check out on general principles. He ventures often into the fever swamps of Leftist “culture,” so we don’t have to. One particularly boggy patch is a webzine called Scary Mommy, which is apparently a how-to guide for Progressive parents (though how they can continue to use such exclusionary, gendered, nay, even cisheteronormative! language as “mommy” in this, the Current Year, is beyond me. Shouldn’t it be “Scary Caregiver?”). But whatever, the point is, the Left is deeply invested in the idea that their fifteen-sentence hoard of NPC dialogue is terrifying to us bourgeois. To really stick the landing on social media, one must imply that whatever rote bit of SJW crap you’re parroting is dangerously radical and edgy, even though you and everyone in your social circle has been repeating it verbatim since grade school.

It’s tougher than it sounds. Those of us still slightly tethered to reality will be tempted to try and explain just how this — whatever “this” is — is “scary,” which is a mistake. And, of course, the former keyboard commandos among us are really going to screw it up. They think “scariness” must necessarily be tied to accomplishment, the more outrageous the better. Specifically, tied to the kind of accomplishments they’ve mastered in their own minds, such that the internet tough guy who proclaims himself the SAS’s top assassin, or who got kicked out of SEAL Team 6 for being too badass, is going to try pulling the same thing as a “progressive” — “I was first in my class at Komsomol, and I’m the youngest ever recipient of the Order of Lenin with oak leaf cluster.” Leftists may be stupid, gang, but trust me — everyone sees through this act, just like they did back when you were a “dissident.”

The proper way to approach it is to memorize that stanza from Eliot’s poem “The Hollow Men:”

Shape without form, shade without colour,

Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

That’s the Left, my brothers. They’re moralizers without morality, and they’re busy setting up a cult of personality without the personality. Thus they’re “scary” without accomplishment. Again, search up Thompson’s coverage of “Laurie Penny,” who is apparently some British uber-SJW. He quotes her frequently. That’s the way to do it, kameraden — ex cathedra. Behold my edginess, peons!!!

“Tired.” Another one from Thompson’s archive, and if you’ve got an hour or so to kill, the comment thread on that one is hilarious. The context is the launch of a new dating site for extremely online hardcore proggies called “Red Yenta,” and as much as I despise this (((special people))) shit, Jesus Christ, y’all, do you have to be so fucking obnoxious about it? But whatever, point is, these are loopy Leftists who are unlucky at love and, having searched all the way from one part of Brooklyn to a slightly different part of Brooklyn for a soul mate, have finally turned to the internet for help. Thompson and his commenters pick up on something odd in their profiles: The prevalence of the word “tired.”

This, I hypothesize, is the flipside of “scary.” Though in reality Leftists never, ever tire of being “scary” — that’s like a motorhead saying meth wears him out — they like to mix it up a bit sometimes, affecting a pose of world-weariness. It’s just so exhausting, being “scary” all the time. Why can’t those awful kulaks just deport themselves to the camps every once in a while, and leave us in peace?

“Angry.” I’m hesitant to put this one here, because though we know Proggies are always incandescently angry about something, and are compelled to share that with the world, usage can be really tricky. The goal here is to have some fun while singing the required hosannas, not get yourself an Article 58, so use this and any of its synonyms very sparingly. It’s just too easy to go overboard. Ace of Spades used to have the “Andrew Sullivan Freakout Meter,” in which everyone’s favorite ponce was said to be “gobsmacked with heartrending outrage” or similar. If you’re going to do that — and I’m not gonna lie, it’s a hoot — you need to spend some time building your “legend,” as the espionage types say, as a screaming drama queen… and that’s a bit you’ve really got to commit to.

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17 thoughts on “LQI: A Dictionary and Usage Guide

  1. toastedposts

    “After all, we all know how to throw “intersectional” and “genderfluid” around, but the subtle nuances,”

    If an intersection is the set of elements that two sets (A,B) have in common, then if an intersectional is to an intersection as a functional is to a function: An intersectional is like an intersection, but we’ve expanded the domain to include things which it really shouldn’t, because hey, you’ve gotta publish to graduate, right?

    Genderfluid is why I’m an engineer and not ag-bio. 😛 Synthetic oil, metal grime, chips – far more sanitary than that biological crud.

    You’re not laughing, zampolit. I got it wrong, didn’t I?

    1. Severian Post author

      Life in the Brave — “so brave, thank you for this” — New World is gonna be rough for you, comrade. 🙂

      I’m starting to think that Instagram is going to be our best friend. No words, only pictures. Just take a few selfies wearing a dress, in Muslim garb, in blackface (it’s coming, just you wait, the better to “educate” us about our “privilege”), and so forth, and just swap them out as necessary.

      1. Severian Post author

        Heh heh – “blow a tranny.” It’s funny because trannies have weiners.

        (Not a vocab word for the LQI, but “the art and science of not getting a joke” is going to be a valuable skill in our Brave, so brave, New World. Since Proggies already redline the autism spectrum, it’ll be both useful and fun to be ABSOLUTELY LITERAL at all times).

  2. Martinian

    “I feel unsafe” This is the gold standard of indirect accusation. You don’t have to do anything explicit — hell, you don’t even have to *DO* anything. If merely your otherwise imperceptible aura is somehow detected somewhere in the aether such that it makes one of these wackos “feel unsafe”, you are guilty, guilty, guilty, and trying to dispute it just makes it worse because now you’re in an active dispute, which is by definition more “unsafe” that before you opened your big yapper.

      1. Not a Fed

        Our local grocery store had a “heroes work here” banner proudly displayed during the beginning of the coof hysteria. It didn’t last long, hopefully it was removed due to ridicule.

        1. Pickle Rick

          Well, they couldn’t very well call the employees heroes and still pay them like chumps and treat them like expendable cogs. They might demand to be treated like heroes…

  3. Martinian

    “The Science shows…”/ “Studies show…” Use this phrasing to immediately win any argument on any controversial topic for the Progressive side. Avoid the obvious rookie mistake of thinking that you need to know any science or have read any studies before employing these phrases.

    “The Science shows X. ” GOOD
    “The Science shows X because…” BAD

    In fact, since there are no authentic controversies in the Progressive utopia, instead use this phrasing to clearly designate highly dangerous enemies of the social order who are dedicated to the spread of misinformation that will lead to massive amounts of destruction, death, or worse — inequity.

    Your opponents are automatically “anti-Science”.

    Advanced practitioners of sufficiently elevated social status may venture to follow up claims with an approved justification provided that absolutely no actual citations are adduced or specific logical connections are indicated.

    “Genderfluid sexuality was the norm throughout human existence.” GOOD
    “Genderfluid sexuality was the norm throughout human existence . If you compare the structure of Micronesian social groups…” BAD

    Extreme caution should nonetheless be exercised in employing this strategy, since any gesture towards reasoning or causal inference may produce in the intended listener sensations of thought, whose unfamiliarity will be immediately interpreted as “unsafe”[q.v.].

    1. The Kaigat Of Wands

      Alas, citizen, you are veering perilously close to badspeak. “Studies” – yes, by all means, “science” not so much as it’s sometimes good and sometimes bad so you have to be really in tune with the narrative to know which is when.

  4. Martinian

    “Keep each other safe”/”Watch out for each other”: Prime example of If-you’re-not-for-it-you’re-against-it thinking. If you’re not actively working to keep me safe, then *YOU* are actively choosing to harm *ME*.

    The point is, I am the one who gets to tell you whether or not what you’re doing is making me “feel safe” or not. This gives me de facto control over any of your speech/actions

    Any desire for others to “mind their own business” is automatically “unsafe” and demonstrates highly concerning signs of destructive/anti-social intent. Moreover, failure to comply indicates an extreme degree of ignorance and/or irresponsibility. The ignorant must be forcibly educated both for their own good and the good of those around them. The irresponsible are criminally negligent and must be “held accountable” [q.v.].

  5. Martinian

    “to hold accountable” = to punish severely, with a quasi-erotic moral vindictiveness.

    Under no circumstances should you make the error of presuming that any previously & clearly established standards of conduct are to be employed in assessing degree of accountability.

  6. Maus

    I get it. The gulag is an unpleasantness to be avoided. But the delicate sensibilities of the cultivated mind shudder equally at the prospect of descending into the mire to become, as the good book suggests, as wise as a serpent. As my hillbilly grandpa often asserted, never wrassle with pigs unless ya wanna get muddy. If the world seems hell bent on descending into insanity, why shouldn’t I just put on some Wagner, maybe Flight of the Valkyries, and go to my happy place. They can destroy the body, but they cannot touch the soul.

    1. Severian Post author

      I guess I should’ve stated, rather than implied, that everyone would be using their mastery of the LQI to subvert things.

      Then again, that’s how we have to do things now — YOU should’ve picked up on that, comrade. 😉

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