Thanks to everyone for their input so far! Boiling all the excellent suggestions down, I’ve got the following rough nosology (a fun vocab word that should get a lot more play here in Our Brave — so brave, thank you for this — New World; a “nosology” is a classification of diseases).
Reject the past / embrace “the right side of history.” [metaphysics] This is a fairly easy one to tie back to Marx, but since so many people — including lots who actually still call themselves Marxists — don’t know about Marx’s metaphysics, it’s a great place to start. Tied to
“Fucking love science.” [metaphysics] Because of his metaphysics, Marx thought his system was the only truly scientific understanding of the world.
Embrace contradictions / are complete hypocrites: [metaphysics] another consequence of the “dialectical method.” According to Shafarevich, early Russian critics of Lenin compared the Bolsheviks to homicidal astronomers — they’re mathematically certain an eclipse will come, since it’s science, comrade… but the first thing they do upon convincing themselves of this is form a Party and start murdering people, to make sure it comes.
Are ahistorical. Since the past is by definition one long catalog of error, there’s no point in looking at it. Even their own “mistakes” contain no lessons, since these were merely the “thesis” which produces the “antithesis” which shall lead, inevitably, to the higher “synthesis” of utopia.
The outcome of all of this is “equality,” which isn’t some temporary state of worldly affairs but a metaphysical condition — utopia, the ultimate synthesis, the end of history.
See everything as zero-sum. [economics]. A consequence of the Manichaean worldview and the Labor Theory of Value.
This produces a view of the world that is both relentlessly materialist, yet at the same time strangely spiritualized. They — and only they — can bring salvation to us through their correct understanding of the objective, scientific processes of the universe. Which leads to
Are Manichaeans. [metaphysics] The other side seeks to hold back the inevitable, which makes them pure evil. There can be no compromise with evil. Also
Gnosticism. The Gnostics never got around to explaining how one can actually move up and down the levels of creation, since the higher levels should, by definition, be inaccessible to the lower. In the same way, Marx never explained how, if no one can transcend the cognitive limits of his “class situation,” he, Karl Marx, was able to transcend the cognitive limits of his class situation, such that he could see the objective scientific etc. This leads directly to the Fundamental Paradox of Internet Liberalism. Also leads to
Sense of themselves as a vanguard party. [Bolshevism]. Anything at all that advances the Revolution is fair game.
From there, the various flavors of Social Justice are just tools — to break down the family, undermine religion, etc.
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