The Top Three Signs You Might be a Secret Leftist

Over at House of Eratosthenes, we’re having a discussion about the nature and history of Our Betters, the Liberals.  While I think Morgan and I have reached broad agreement, there are a few things that still need clarification.  And since I’ve always wanted to write one of those Gawker-style clickbait lists, I hereby present

The Top Three Signs You Might be a Secret Leftist:

  1. You think the world is perfectible.

At some point in that discussion thread, we got to talking about Mighty Pharaoh.  Was he a leftist?  Certainly a guy like Ramses exercized total power, but was he a totalitarian?  I say no, because the totalitarian credo — “all within the state, nothing outside the state, nothing against the state” — claims that “the State” can be completely self-sufficient.

That’s not true, and even Ramses, who was raised to believe he was literally a god, knew it.  His main job as Pharaoh was to perform the rituals that kept the Nile flooding regularly.  It didn’t always work, and when the Nile failed to flood, Ramses didn’t send out the propaganda corps to proclaim that the Nile did flood, damn it.  Nor did he send out the secret police to arrest anyone who contradicted the propaganda.  God or not, he accepted some basic limitations on his power.

Leftists don’t do that.  They think there’s nothing their dogma can’t fix.  Take Mary Shelley’s novel Frankenstein.  Widely regarded as an allegory of the French Revolution, Frankenstein captures the boundless hubris of the Enlightenment — our understanding of Nature is so vast that soon we shall conquer death itself.  Rousseau, Robespierre, and especially their ape, Karl Marx — born just 3 years after Waterloo — promised utopia through political action.

Our modern Leftists are even more extravagant.  Marx only promised paradise to humans.  Just seven years ago, Leftists told us that the Earth itself would heal if only we voted for a half-term junior senator from flyover country.  And as for natures’s remaining imperfections, well, they can simply be legislated out of existence.  George W. Bush isn’t widely regarded as a Leftist, but he overturned one of the fundamental truths of mathematics by decreeing that, with No Child Left Behind, all students shall now be above average.  In much the same way, Our Betters have abolished biology — women have dicks now, and only skin color is heritable…. sorta.donezal

2. You never trust your own lying eyes.

Because if you do, you risk breaking one of the newly minted laws of nature.  Imagine you’re a woman in the restroom with the “Ladies” sign on it.  In walks a 6’2″, well-built former Olympic track star, who whips out his cock in front of the nearest toilet.  Are you going to shriek, then call the cops?  You’d better not, if you’re a Leftist!  Gender is just a social construction, my friend, and dicks and/or balls can be constructed female, too.

So, too, with math.  If George W. Bush could mandate that all children are better than average, it’s child’s play for Barack Obama to add a gazillion-dollar socialized medicine program that will lower taxes and reduce costs.

And above all, you must never, ever follow up on anything, ever.  If you looked at the initiatives of LBJ’s “Great Society,” for example — the War on Poverty and whatnot — it’d sure look like they not only didn’t solve the problems they were supposed to, but they actually made them much, much, much worse.  If you actually interacted with some immigrants, it would appear that Magic Dirt Theory is false, and that a change of latitude doesn’t automatically transform a 70-IQ socialism-worshiping Mestizo subsistence farmer into a Jeffersonian yeoman computer programmer.  You’d notice that, contrary to all your end of the world models, the globe hasn’t warmed at all, the polar ice caps are thicker, and polar bears are thriving.  Not that those things are true, of course — only the words of humanities professors and Democrat politicians are true — but they sure look true, and that causes feelbad.  Never, ever trust your lying eyes.

3. You claim unlimited dictatorial powers for yourself, because you’re the victim of everything.

This last is the hardest for normals to grasp, and getting it is the surest sign you’re a secret Leftist.  Leftists believe that oppression confers moral authority, and moral authority, political authority.  By the transitive property of equality, then, the guy who suffers most at the hands of others wields the most political power.  This is why that Melissa Click idiot at at the University of Missouri can whine about how oppressed she is even as she’s demanding — and receiving! — the services of “muscle” to remove onerous persons from her royal presence.  It’s why feminists who — according to their own theory — should be barefoot, pregnant, and silent in a kitchen somewhere have arrogated to themselves the unlimited right to tell you what to say, hear, do, and think.  It’s why the lily-white Rachel Dolezals of the world are so anxious to pass themselves off as black, even as they scream about how oppressively, unrelentingly awful it is to be black in AmeriKKKa.  It’s why Hillary Clinton is still the odds-on favorite to ride her doddering nincompoop act into the White House in 2016.  Not a day goes by without some awful meanie saying something hurtful about her; that means she deserves the nuclear launch codes.

If any of these three apply to you, please seek help immediately.

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5 thoughts on “The Top Three Signs You Might be a Secret Leftist

  1. RW

    Do you ever feel like Eddie Albert in Green Acres? The only rational being in an absurd world?

    I am watching news coverage of the Islamic atrocity in Paris, where people out for a nice time on a Friday night are being slaughtered in restaurants, bars, and nightclubs, and college students in the USA are doing the Red Guard thing across the nation.

    Now, your analysis, as usual, seems crystal clear to me, but obviously a huge number of Americans are just as you describe. What is to be done?

  2. Severian

    I have no idea. That’s the most frustrating thing about dealing with Leftists — the world can’t possibly work the way they say it does, but facts and reason bounce off them like pebbles on a suit of armor.

    If you follow the discussion on the House of Eratosthenes link, for example, you’ll find a particularly dimwitted Leftist (or group of Leftists) asserting that school vouchers represent “a return to a more traditional model” of education funding, and are thus “conservative.” Which is nonsense on stilts. This PBS bit starts in the year 2000. These guys say Milton Friedman floated this radical new idea in the late 1950s, and that “the Wisconsin legislature passed the nation’s first modern school voucher program” all the way back in… 1989.

    These are the same Dunning-Kruger cases, mind you, who claim that the political term “left” hasn’t changed since the French Revolution. So, for the record: an idea that hasn’t changed a bit in two centuries is “liberal,” but a radical new proposal first mooted in the 1950s and only enacted near the dawn of the 21st century is “conservative.” What can possibly be done with such people?

    The only solution I can see is to somehow get inside their meme generator. They don’t grok facts or logic, but they all seem to know exactly what this week’s catechism is. You can run the term “gay marriage,” for instance, through Google’s N-gram deal and pinpoint almost the minute that idea went from “an evil theocratic notion to force gays to conform to despised ‘breeder’ social conventions” to “the most sacred right enshrined in the Constitution.” Somehow all the Goodthinkful just…..kinda….knew the new hotness, the same way huge flocks of birds somehow just know when to wheel and bank together in the sky.

    If you can find out how that works, let me know — you’ll be the savior of Western Civilization.

  3. RW

    Just recently I’ve seen a number of videos featuring migratory birds flying in complex wave forms; how do they know? There is no linear thinking; it is all right-brain, instinctual obedience. These birds have the excuse of a thousand millennia of genetic coding – Leftists only have a couple hundred years of group-think.

    You must be right – “they just . . . kinda . . . knew”. I don’t know how that works; I read your blog and others to try and understand the zeitgeist and formulate a response. But I don’t know how to confront Leftist illogic. With a large mallet perhaps?

  4. Severian

    It’s even more amazing when you consider how Leftists communicate. I live in a college town, so I’ve developed a New York-style urban perma-scowl. Not because I’m an unfriendly guy by nature — obviously I’m a pussycat — but because the marxoids around here routinely start conversations with complete strangers by saying stuff like “Isn’t it obvious that Ted Cruz is insane?”

    Imagine, then, the situation when the catechism changes. On April 3, 1999, at 4:32 EST, “gay marriage” went from a theocratic imposition by the breeders to a fundamental Constitutional right. But Moonbeam had a really bad cold that day, and was laid up in bed. She’s going to walk into Starbucks on April 4, and start the conversation in the usual Leftist fashion: “Where do those breeders get off, trying to force gays to be monogamous?” And then all her former friends are going to have no choice but to flip out and denounce her as a heretic. She’ll probably get lynched on the spot….

    … Or, at least, you’d think that kind of thing would happen frequently enough that we’d have heard about it. But we never do. They somehow just know, even when there’s no possible way they could.

    It’s eerie.

  5. Pouncer

    In my experience, the self-styled “Left” regards intentions as more important than consequences (intended or otherwise) , and measuring inputs (particularly money) to be a sufficient indicator of commitment regardless of outputs (the goal as proclaimed by the initial intention.)

    Intended to develop children into well-rounded self-sufficient citizens, we (leaning Left) fund a school system for ages 4 to 24 that measures, preferentially, the “butts in seats per year” over the actual accomplishments. That is, getting more toilet-untrained toddlers into HEADSTART, or graduating more illiterates into community colleges, raises the score for a local school district in the federal measurement system. What if, instead, the federal agencies paid local bonuses at the end of a 12 year measurement cycle for how well schools’ average HS graduates did on ACT/SATs?

    Similarly we (leaning Left) pretty much ignore the actual air quality (and improvements there to) over urban areas, and measure out funding for number of buses running, or miles of bicycle lanes painted onto existing streets, or whether Volkwagon diesel engines can momentarily provide exhaust samples that meet a political standard. How ’bout we actually measure the air over high-population-areas and tax, or subsidize, all “emitters” in the defined zone?

    We (leaning Left) intrude upon food processors to define not only how much salt or fat or sweetener or preservative is input to market, we re-define the science every half decade or so to redefine salt to include or exclude potassium, or re-specify trans-/poly-/un- saturated varieties, ban cyclamates or fructose, or scary alphabet soups (BHA, BHT, TLC, whatever) We might instead allow rabbis and “Good Housekeeping” to set their own rules and consumers to follow their own leaders, but that would be crazy — right?

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